Blue Emotions

As I was browsing along my Multiply site, I got to go through the blogs I have posted there. This blog site wasn't up yet at that time, so I did my blogging there. I rarely do blogs before that's why I only posted a few of them there. Here's one I found rather interesting... (I didn't know I could verse well y'all!!! Hehehe :p) I wrote this blog around Christmas time last year I think...

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"Blue Emotions"

Why is it that, whenever I say something about what I feel about something or someone, it always turns out to be something I'll regret saying afterwards... I can't understand why... I keep on telling people that... I'm not affected, I don't feel anything about a certain thing or a certain person... But in the latter, I'll realize, maybe I still feel something deep inside me... Whether it may be little or actually feeling something more than I know of per say... It's just so hard for me to have all this mix emotions, mix feelings inside me... I don't want this to retain inside of me forever because I might never know when all of a sudden I'll breakdown from all this...

Questions bewildering my thoughts... Why does it still hurt even if I control and prevent myself not to feel that way... Why do I allow myself to be a prisoner of all these thoughts and feelings... Why are these things inside my mind, inside my heart... Why can't these 'Blue Emotions' leave me be... Why can't I just live peacefully every single day, with a clear mind and an unscarred heart... Why can't I just wake up every single morning, my mind and heart as a blank slate, and run my day as smoothly as it can be, without anything to think about, no hurt to feel... Why must I be the only one suffering from all of this... Does this even make me a smarter, stronger and a lot independent person amongst all others...

Lord... Why did you grant me this heart... A heart that can love and care for all people, no matter who they are, and never seem to get to hate anyone even if they've done me wrong so many times... A heart that can easily break, be scarred, be torned, be shattered into bits and pieces but can always forgive the person who made my heart suffer... A heart that only knows how to love and never hate... A heart that's strong as it may seem, but in reality weak in so many ways... Why me, why this heart... I ask this question not because I'm questioning how you made me to be, or because I'm regretting why I'm like this, I dare ask this because I want to make something clear to myself, that there are valuable reasons why I am the way I am... Why I feel the way I feel... Why I think the way I think... Why I live the way I live...

*sigh*... Maybe I know all the answers to these questions... Maybe right now, I'm just blinded by how miserable life is to me... Life hasn't been good to me lately... For quite some time it hasn't... I guess I just make up the illusion that my life is perfect, my life is happy... Magician as I may seem to be, I only know how to make illusions, not real magic...

I guess... I just have to roll with the punches... Yet again... Cause' if I don't, I am sure bound to get knocked over...

This is how strong my personality is... I even scare myself for being this strong... I'm strong not because I want to be, but because I have to... Or else... My life would end up, as black as the night sky in December evenings...

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MUY BIEN HUH?!? :p Hehehe :D
XOXO!!! :p